I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
BRING THE BAGELS
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
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