The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
