dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize