Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
