every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
