I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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