$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
