I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
