Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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