That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
