Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
