I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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