walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize