I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
