I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
