last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
