Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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