You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize