An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
