Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
