Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
