my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
