Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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