you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
