So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
