I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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