Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
