shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
