I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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