I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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