The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
