Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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