Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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