I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
