never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
