I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
