lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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