My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
