i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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