the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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