She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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