So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sober January is a disaster.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
