She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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