Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
