Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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