my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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