did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
