if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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