worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Randomize