Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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