Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The Olympian is in my bed
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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