no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
