Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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