my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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