My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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