Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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