Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
