How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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