my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
do nipples grow back?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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