I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
