I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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