i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
