omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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