there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
