can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize