I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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