i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
