dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
