Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
