I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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