Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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